I don’t remember really considering anything like this since I was in fourth grade, and now it’s all much more… deep. I can comprehend everything better, and now I feel a sense of… urgency.

I realize the seemingly insignificant matter of my being in the world and it’s hard to admit that in the big scheme of things, I’m really nothing.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt so close to my eventual death. I’m not suicidal or anything – don’t take it that way – it’s just that the 80 or so years that I have left will pass quickly in comparison to how far the human race will have progressed.

I want so much to be accomplished because I want to know everything. I want to be sucked into a black hole to discover what it’s like – even though it will consume my mass and add it to its infinitely large amount of matter and I won’t be able to think anything before it consumes me because the electrical impulses in my spine will get sucked in before they get to my brain. I want to visit another planet. I want to land on the moon. I want to meet an extraterrestrial being.

There is so much that I want to do, that when I look into the night sky I feel completely and utterly hopeless. I’m literally grounded by incompetence and a fear that even if I would have the opportunity, I wouldn’t be able to leave everything behind to achieve my dreams.

Maybe this has always been hiding within me somewhere; maybe I’ve always had these feelings but have never had an adequate analogy to use to describe it.

Even the things outside of the town I’ve spent my entire life in seem unconquerable. I feel like my sights need to be lower so that when I don’t achieve my deepest desires, I won’t have to be disappointed because, to everyone else, they weren’t ever there. If you know what I mean.

I want to be okay with everything. I feel guilty all the time and there isn’t a reason why. I’ll be happy and then I’ll realize that I’m happy and I’ll feel like I don’t deserve it.

Things were going good for awhile, but now I guess they shouldn’t be because I feel like I don’t deserve anything. I don’t deserve to get a good scored on my ACT, I don’t deserve a 4.0, I don’t deserve to be liked back.

I don’t know why, by that’s it. I don’t deserve to realize the abstract concepts of space and time. I don’t think anyone does now, and I don’t think they will ever.

Infinity.

The human mind, however, is finite.

Nothing is ever new, so why does anyone think that if he would experience something, it would all make sense?

Impossibly small strings don’t explain everything, theoretical physicists. They connect a lot and they seem to explain everything, but they don’t. Don’t fool yourselves.

I believe in intelligence and knowledge.
I believe in achievement.

I believe in family.
I believe in the power of friendship.
I believe in the idea of love.

I believe that human perfection is imperfection.
I believe that beauty is many times not skin deep.

I believe in acting.
I believe in music.

I believe math is the only absolute.
I believe the human mind is finite.
I believe that nothing is ever new.

I believe that if you believe 2 + 2 = 5, then to you, it does.
I believe that you can be smart and know nothing.
I believe that you can be dumb and know everything.

I believe in the use of an editorial “you.”

I believe in concentration.
I believe in ADD.

I believe in singing along.
I believe in singing alone.

I believe in living for now, but planning for later.
I believe not only what is here, now, and concrete, but what is abstract.
I believe in serendipity and chance.

I believe in Spanish.

I believe in myself.

Jack Johnson should be my hero. But alas, he is not. Benjamin Gibbard is. So is Eric Whitacre.

And Jesus. I love Jesus.

So I finally decided to get myself a blog. I’ve been wanting to get one for awhile, and now I have! Hooray!

If only I knew what I wanted to write.

I don’t like the idea of capitalizing “I” in the middle of a sentence. The only places I know where a pronoun is capitalized is when a reference is made to God or Jesus. Why am “I” so important that “I” deserve an unwarranted capital letter? Oh posh.

I love Ugly Betty. A lot. It’s brilliant.

Watch it.

That’s all the time I have for now. kthxbai.